It will feel good to die

His voice sent shivers through Zanna’s body like nothing she had ever felt before. Alise darted toward them in the semi darkness, terror flashing in her silvery eyes. Zanna snapped the book shut and gripped its cold leather cover. Confusion reverberated through her body along with the electricity of Mikelo’s voice.

“Stop,” Mikelo commanded as Alise reached them. She complied instantly and stood frozen before them, her eyes glaring. Zanna could feel the younger girl’s anger.

In the distance, off on the hilltop, they all could hear the preparations for the ceremony. A string band played lilting music as assorted creatures strung lanterns on a wooden platform where the chosen one would die. Artists set up their easels at the foot of the stage, ready to capture the moment.

Sensing danger, Zanna thrust the book into the air. “Here, have your book,” she said to Mikelo, momentarily breaking the tension.

“No, you keep it,” Mikelo directed. “You’ll need it.” As he spoke, Zanna felt him move behind her, his hands finding the knotted lacing holding her braid in place. His deliberate movements paralyzed and energized her at once. “We’ll have our own ceremony,” he said as if to himself.

Alise, seeing Mikelo’s attention diverted, swiftly bent and reached into her boot. Transfixed, Zanna saw the flash of metal against the girl’s dark skin. Mikelo’s hands moved in her hair, unwinding the braid, and Zanna felt her hair fall loosely over her shoulders once more.

She turned toward Mikelo and saw him wrapping the lacing around his hands. The music was louder and faster now, the ceremony just moments away.

“You’ll want to cut my throat,” Mikelo said to Alise, who nodded. “Once the two of us are dead, slit your own wrists, too. We’ll need you to come.” Mikelo’s lulling voice gave them the feeling of time standing still. Zanna’s heart raced but she didn’t dare move. She stayed in her place, kneeling in front of Mikelo.

“See you on the other side,” he said to Zanna as he reached over her head and pulled the cord tight around her throat. The pain was sudden and dull. A few seconds later everything went dark.

When Zanna slumped to the ground on top of the giant book, Alise lunged at Mikelo, her knife flashing.

“It’s okay,” he murmured. “After all this time, it will feel good to die,” he met her eyes with a sly smile as the metal met his throat. He fell heavily and his cloak tangled around Alise’s feet. Alise didn’t bother to wipe his blood from her knife before she slashed her own wrists, just as he had wanted.

Days later, some wandering creatures found the trio tangled together in death at the edge of the trees and called it a mystery.

Like this? Read the rest here.

Go back and get it

Let me tell you a story about when I was a kid. I’ve mentioned it before, but I’ve known Geoff since I was little. We were, much like we are now, best buddies. At some point our moms broke off their friendship and I thought that I had lost Geoff forever. Years went by until we reconnected in college, and when we did we gave all the credit to fate even though friends really brought us back together.

This year I’ve been able to reconnect, separately, with two people whom I love. Two people whom I had written off as lost, people whom I’ve loved but not loved quite enough, people who loved me but whom I thought didn’t love me quite the way I wanted to be loved. Both relationships were imperfect and difficult, and they scared me.

This year I decided to take a chance, to be honest, to open up to these friends. I realized that I missed them and that I couldn’t continue until they knew that. I went to these friends and let them know how much they mean to me. And do you know what happened? Those friends have come back to me.

I still believe in fate. I think the universe will find a way to lay the things we need out of life in our paths at just the time we need to find them. But I’m revising myself. I also think that we have the power to ask for what we want and we have the ability to get what we need for ourselves. The hardest part is admitting our fear.

It’s important to remember that it’s always possible to go back and fix our mistakes in life. Sometimes all it takes is a simple apology, a hug, or an “I love you.” Sometimes it’s as easy as accepting our own imperfection. Sometimes it’s a matter of letting go of what we think we have and trusting in fate to bring it back if we truly need it.

I’m serious. Many things are out of our control, but you’d be surprised by how much power we have. To my two old friends who are new again, thank you for teaching me this. Now go ahead, give it a try. I dare you to go back and fix something in your own lives.

Please forgive me or I’ll give you another lizard for Christmas

Looking back on it, of course I bumped into her at the craft store. My heart was still pounding with the memory of texting her just minutes earlier from the parking lot. “I’m sorry,” I wrote. The thought that I might see her there at the craft store even crossed my mind as I walked through the door and lifted Nate into a cart. Usually it would be a good thought, but this time, no. It breaks my heart to admit it.

“Hi,” she said halfheartedly as we met at the end of the aisle near the cake decorating supplies. I maneuvered the cart around a large metal stepladder; we may as well have been in city lockup together.

“Hi,” I answered, knowing full well that she was angry. It felt strange to have my best friend angry with me at all and the week before Christmas it felt surreal. “What are you buying?” I asked, trying to sound lighthearted.

“Scrapbooking supplies,” she answered.

“I’m getting decorations for Anna’s birthday cake,” I announced unasked.

A minute later we parted, still uncomfortable, still in a fight. It’s funny that we bumped into each other just then, how the universe keeps bringing us together like that. Did I ever tell you that I first met her weeks before my mom suddenly died? At the very moment when I needed a friend the most, she appeared.

When I was a kid, I never wanted a best friend. Something about the idea of having one freaked me out. Now I try to forego labels at all, instead just trying to be the best friend that I can. I think it’s worked. I’ve done such a good job insinuating myself into her life, supplying the ingredients for fun, that she trusts me to be there all the time, not just for the everyday get-togethers, but for the birthdays, the holidays, all of it. Our friendship is such a success that she can believe that her semi-Jewish best friend will come to Christmas dinner at her house unannounced and without an invitation.

And when I can’t be there? Well, this friend who never fails to surprise me, who had a whole secret life before the one she has now, who has had adventures, who has messed up and fixed herself, and who even used to own a pet lizard, well, she surprises me yet again. She stops speaking to me the week before Christmas.

 

Mi mamá es mala

Last week I helped out in Gabe’s kindergarten class during a lesson on writing poetry. His teacher began with an example on the board, entitled Mi mamá. His class is bilingual and his teacher speaks mostly Spanish in class.

The kids volunteered descriptions of their moms – mi mamá es buena, mi mamá es linda. Mi mamá es divertido. You get the idea. At one point his teacher accidentally used English instead of Spanish and she quickly corrected herself. Then the kids took a turn writing their own poems, mostly about their moms. Everybody’s mom was nice, fun, pretty. Spanish speakers wrote in Spanish, English speakers in English, and there was no mixture.

It bugged me. Sure, I like being the nice, pretty, fun mom. But I don’t always pull it off. I often have to yell at the kids to get them to put on their coats in the morning just to get them to school on time. Sometimes I get really angry. Just a couple of weeks ago, Gabe told me that he likes to get to school because his teacher is nicer than me. The screaming stops when he gets to school. Somehow that truth just didn’t fit with the poem he wrote about me.

Later on in the day I came back to school for Anna’s Brownie meeting. While we cut out paper snowflakes, one of the girls announced that she never wants to be a mom. “Moms have to do all the work,” she complained. I nodded but didn’t say anything. I want the girls to speak their minds like that, even when it leaves me feeling sad. It’s true – moms have to do a lot of work. But we also get hugs, kisses on the butt, even poetry. “Trust me, it’s worth it,” part of me wanted to tell her.

I want my kids to know that being a mom is hard. I want them to fear parenthood a little, because it is a huge responsibility. I also want them to know that poetry isn’t only for sunshine and butterflies, but a place where they can get messy and real, where they can play with the good and the bad parts of life. I want them to pull all their feelings out and never worry about being nice or perfect. I want them to mix it up. Honestly, I hope that someday they curse me in Spanglish.

Life and death

When Geoff’s grandma calls me, I never answer the phone.

No, wait, it’s not what you think. I love Geoff’s grandma. For simplicity, let’s call her Grandma. Grandma is everything that my Bubbie wasn’t. She’s loving, kind, friendly, funny. She’s delightful. I’ve felt close to her since Geoff and I started dating. Honestly, she inspires me with the way that she loves her kids, grandkids, even her husband. She’s a great role model, and I’ve told her so.

But something about her scares me.

Grandma is pushing ninety. She’s been in good but not perfect health for the last ten years or so. About seven years ago, Grandma and Grandpop were in a car accident that left them each with various ailments. Still, they hang in there, and they are always, without fail, happy to hear from us and ready to welcome us for a visit. They both adore the kids. Grandma still gets down on the floor to play with them.

A couple of years ago I started shutting her out.

We were at her house for a visit, and Grandma started to feel dizzy. She went up to her bedroom to lie down and a little while later she called me upstairs. Me, not Geoff, not Grandpa, not even her own grown daughter. I found her lying on the bed next to her blood pressure machine. Her blood pressure was too high, she told me. She didn’t want to go to the hospital, and she asked me to stay with her. I sat on the edge of her bed, held her hand, and put my other hand on her shoulder. We took deep breaths together.

I was scared.

I told her that she would be alright, and after about half an hour her blood pressure returned to normal. The next day she paid a visit to the doctor. She made a quick recovery and the rest of our visit was just fine. You’d never have known anything had happened.

But I did.

When I was sitting with Grandma up in her room, I had the strangest feeling. With my hands on her and us breathing together, I felt like I was giving her some kind of a transfusion. A life transfusion. I could feel the energy passing between us, even though I didn’t understand it. In the moment, I could only think in dichotomies. If I was giving her life, then she must be giving me death in return. I didn’t want death. I still don’t.

From then on, things were different between us.

When she calls, I don’t answer. I tell Geoff to call her back. I still love her, and we visit. The kids send her artwork. Still, I’ve been stingy with her. I haven’t let her hear my voice, I haven’t given her any more life. I’ve closed myself, as if life were a special gift of mine and death a curse of hers, rather than both being realities that we share.

I’ve been wrong.

I hope that I can find the courage to be open with her again. I hope that I can do the small things that she requests as she gets closer to the end of her life. I hope that she will trust me to help her.

Melt

As they moved farther away from the group, Zanna could feel the unfamiliar weight of the wings melt between her shoulder blades. They were not real; she would never fly. These were only a disguise, yet where they rested she could feel a new energy forming.

Alise pulled her by the hand, urging her toward the looming trees. “Come,” the girl told her, silver eyes flashing with impatience. “He may be waiting already.”

Zanna could feel the tension in the girl’s grip. She did her best to keep up, and surprisingly, her ankle began to feel better as she moved. The cold night air chilled her as they moved away from the fires, and she wished for warmer clothing. Her wings did cut the wind a bit, but she needed a heavier garment. A cloak.

The moon led them to the edge of the forest. In a pool of light, Zanna sank down to the ground and opened to the beginning of the book she had been carrying. She began to read as Alise paced the tree line. Zanna found the words written on the pages cryptic yet somehow familiar. As best she could tell in the dim light, the pages contained a description of an unusual girl. A girl half-loved, worshipped and rejected. A girl with talents and gifts. A girl who set out on her own in the world. It was the kind of beginning that begged for action. What would the girl do? Zanna caught herself wondering and she did what she always did, she flipped to the back of the book. Yet she found the pages at the back of the book empty. Turning toward the middle, she sighed to find the pages bare. Only the beginning of the story had been written. How unfortunate, she thought.

Just then, Alise let out a yelp in the distance. Then she felt his hand on her back just where her wings rested.

“You’ve found my book,” Mikelo said into her ear.

 

This week’s Trifecta submission, including the third definition of the word melt: to make tender or gentle, soften. If you like it, read the rest here.

I wish I had been an orphan

The past few months I’ve been reading the kids Lemony Snicket’s Series of Unfortunate Events. We just began book five, The Austere Academy. The kids are obsessed with it, and Geoff and I like it a lot, too. It’s dark and funny, with lots of big words. In other words, it’s awesome.

The stories are about three orphans, siblings whose parents died in a fire, who go on to have adventure after adventure. In each book the kids narrowly avoid a different disaster, and they regularly find themselves in situations that they never would have if their parents had survived.

When I was a kid I used to wish that my mom would die just so that I could have the kind of adventures that the Baudelaire orphans do. No, I didn’t actually want my mom to be dead, I just wanted my life to be more fun. If she died, I thought that I could go and live with my godmother, who seemed infinitely more interesting than my mom. I also wanted to live in an RV and travel around the country, something that was out of the question for my mom. Needless to say, my mom lived into my adulthood and I was at least seventeen before I ever had a real adventure.

My mom nearly gave me up for adoption – did I ever mention that? It’s a long story of its own, but when it came down to it, she changed her mind. She was single, poor, divorced, and unwed. She had little going for her in general, so when she found herself pregnant with me at 38, she first thought that adoption would be the best option. Then I was born two months early and my mom nearly died from complications. When things settled down, she decided that the universe had a message for her. She decided to take another stab at motherhood.

I’m glad that my mom did not give me up for adoption. I mean, I hope that goes without saying. I’m lucky in so many ways to have been raised by my mom. She gave me all that she had to give, and now I often wonder how she did it. Yet looking back, my life feels like a series of narrowly missed adventures. My childhood was safe and quiet, I went to college just 20 minutes from home, I got married at 23.

I’ve never been thrown to the wolves. I’ve never risked it all on my own in the world. I’ve never entrusted myself to the universe just for fun. Damn it, I want to.

 

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Alliance

Alise ran quickly towards the nearest cook fire and helped herself to several skewers of meat. Zanna needed to eat, she could feel it. The woman’s hunger made her stomach ache. Then she turned back towards the queue, and plowed ahead into the mass of creatures, carrying the dripping skewers and hurrying toward the place where Zanna had fallen.

She found Zanna sitting on the ground, wrapped in feathers and already eating a skewer of meat. A kindly old beast stood by her, keeping watch over her. A grayish owl looked on from the beast’s back. Zanna was attracting attention already, Alise realized. Everyone has eyes around here, she thought. It’s a good thing they don’t know what they’re seeing.

“Here you go,” Alise announced to Zanna, an edge to her voice. She thrust the skewers of meat at Zanna.

Zanna looked up, and immediately smiled. She looked deeply into Alise’s eyes, which now shown in the dark. “Oh, hello,” she said, smiling. “Thank you. How did you know how hungry I am?” she laughed, taking the skewers. “Eat with me?” she asked.

“No,” Alise answered, but she crouched down next to Zanna. A few other creatures circled around them with their dinners, creating an impromptu picnic. Alise looked around, uncomfortable. Feeling out of control made her suspicious. And she was as hungry as Zanna, but she wouldn’t eat yet.

“Mikelo is searching for you,” she told Zanna. Zanna looked at her and raised her eyebrows in surprise. Her expression changed from hopeful to confused. Alise moved behind Zanna, reaching for her long dark hair. She began to braid it. “Why does he want you?” she asked Zanna, tugging on her hair.

“I don’t know,” a bit of fear crept into Zanna’s voice.

“You want to find him too, don’t you?” Alise continued the braid.

“Yes,” Zanna answered, nearly whispering. She had abandoned her meal.

Alise finished the braid and reached for a leather cord in her pocket. She wrapped the cord tightly around the older woman’s hair and knotted it. “I’m Alise. Mikelo sent me to get you. If you’re finished eating, then come,” Alise pulled the braid. “Let’s go to him.”

Zanna stood shakily on her injured ankle, bending to lift the heavy book. It would be difficult to carry. “May I take it?” she asked the llama, who nodded. She smiled a goodbye to him.

“Here,” Alise lifted the feathers and set them on Zanna’s shoulders. She doubted they would work but they would help the strange woman draw less attention. “This way,” she took Zanna’s hand, leading her back toward the trees, both walking now.

Nightfall

The full moon was rising, golden in the graying sky, casting its eerie light over the crowd. The chosen had been whisked away to their tent beyond the hill where the priestesses still asked their questions. Those who had not been chosen were eating their suppers around the cook fires that lit the gloom.

Alise could always see better in the dusk. She steered clear of the lines, in favor of wandering between them. To her left, up on the hill, she could make out the billowing white wool of the women’s gowns. In the cool moonlight, textures became more pronounced, and her eyes could feel as well as see.

She came to a parting in the crowd, suddenly finding herself out in the open. Her heart jumped as she saw Mikelo ahead of her. She stood still and fixed him in her glowing gaze. He noticed. Others usually did. He strode to her, a faint smile on his face – more of a smirk, Alise thought.

“You have beautiful eyes,” Mikelo spoke. She didn’t answer.

“Tell me, what are you called?”

“Alise.”

He looked intently into her eyes. “And Alise, why do you follow me?” He seemed to already know the answer.

Mikelo’s face was dark and angular, and angry. He liked to have his way. Alise knew how the other woman eluded him. She could see the lines of frustration on his face.

“You’re not here for them,” Mikelo nodded toward the priestesses. “I can see that. You are following me,” he took a step closer, towering over her. “If you’re going to lurk after me, you should know that I’m looking for a woman.”

“I know,” she said.

“Then help me find her,” Mikelo demanded. The shadows of his face should have scared her; they did scare her, but she felt something new twisting inside her at the sound of his voice, at the way he spoke to her. He left her no choice.

He grabbed her shoulders and spun her around so that she was facing away from him. Alise saw that they had attracted quite an audience as the creatures turned in their lines to face the commotion. They looked vaguely concerned. “Go. Bring her to me,” Mikelo spoke into her ear. “We’ll meet at the treeline,” he commanded.

His voice sent a rush of electricity through her body and she tensed. “Yes,” she answered, and took off running.

Read the rest here.

Good morning

Nate woke me. “Guh mornin, Momma.” He stood by the bedside, smiling, reaching for me.

“Good morning, sweetie,” I answered. I closed my eyes again for just a minute, bracing myself. Then I climbed out of bed and slid my feet into my slippers. The window framed one of those heavy gray skies that show up in December and stick around until March, sometimes April.

I bounced down the stairs so the kids would know I’m happy to see them. Anna sat at the table gently tilting her new labyrinth game. “Mommy, I made it to 35!” she called.

“Cool!” I answered, hugging her.

I headed for the kitchen, searching for breakfast, coffee, more children. Both boys were heading down the back staircase, and Gabe grabbed Nate at the bottom for a hug and a kiss. That doesn’t happen every day. Next, Gabe came over and hugged me.

“Good morning, sweet boy,” I said and rubbed his super short hair. Nate wrapped his arms around me from the back.

From over by the coffee pot, Geoff turned and laughed. “Nate, did you just kiss Mommy’s tush?”

“Yeah,” he answered.

That’s when I knew it would be a good day.

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This week’s Trifecta Challenge includes the word tush. With three little kids, that’s everyday jargon at our house.