Author: Christi

Hi, readers

~ Christi ~ 1 Comment

I’m blogging again, and I’m pretty happy about it. I am trying to reimagine this blog as one that I’d like anyone who knows me to read. That’s not to say that I won’t present a different face here than I do in day-to-day life, but this time, I’m not going to go too far.

If you read my blog before and I scared you, confused you, or otherwise convoluted our friendship, I am truly sorry. I’d like to repair that damage. If you gave me advice when I needed it, thank you. If you are still reading, I really appreciate that. I am so grateful that I have friends who have known me for so long that they can easily tell when my mind is just slightly out of whack. You guys saved me a lot of pain and difficulty, you really did.

This blog is going to be a place where I explore all aspects of myself — as a mom and wife, as a woman, as an artist and a writer, as a person with opinions. I hope that you will challenge me, and help me explore myself and the world. Maybe I will inspire you to do something new, too. If I do, please let me know. I’d like that a lot.

How to find God in Hawaii

~ Christi

1. Decide that you want to find God in Hawaii, especially if you think you can’t or won’t.
2. Pack light. Trust that Hawaii will provide what you need. DO bring lots of snacks and water.
3. Buy a good travel guide. I trust that you can find the one that’s right for you.
4. Fly to Hawaii. All the while, hope that this trip is as good as you think it’s going to be.
5. When you arrive, look around. You are here! Isn’t it beautiful, even at the airport? Take a deep breath. Hawaii smells so good.
6. Get a rental car that can do all you want to do on your island.
7. Start driving, and look for a place to eat along the way. If you need groceries, stop along the way to get what you need.
8. Drive to your resting place, trusting that you will find your destination without getting too lost.
9. Sleep, and try not to let the roosters keep you awake.
10. Set out on your day in Hawaii, ready for anything that the island has in store for you. Maybe let the kids decide what they want to do, since they are usually very good at finding God. And if you are not sure what to do, follow the locals. They know.

And now for some revision

~ Christi

Hi everyone,

It’s been a weird couple of weeks. I am feeling clearer, and yet still confused. I am beginning the process of revising what I wrote previously into a state that is fit for the world to see. I think I mentioned this before, but I’d like to make this blog my resume. I want to go back to work, but to do what, I am unsure. I hope you’ll stick around while I figure it out, and offer your insight and guidance for my revisions.

Thanks!

A lovely scene for a grisly murder

~ Christi

cuyahoga

I once loved a boy from Cuyahoga. It ended badly, but that was very long ago.

Several years ago, Geoff and I went camping near Cleveland. We met his parents halfway between our homes. We visited Cuyahoga National Park, hiking with our two dogs. We were kidless at the time. We found the park amazing, and we hiked ten miles that day. We brought no food, but we stopped for ice cream along the way.

Near the end of the hike, I found myself getting tired, I found myself a little bit scared. Not knowing why, I looked around, and saw the sunlight slanting through the trees, the light glinting off of branches and leaves in that almost magical way that it does. I was captivated by it, and I was terrified at the same time. Why? I wondered. I’ll never know for sure. It was a sliver of doubt shooting through my certain heart. Would I make it out alive?

We did. We returned to our campsite and Geoff’s parents made us steak for dinner. The dogs slept for two days.

Looking back, I realize, that peaceful park would be a great place for a grisly murder. It would be a peaceful place to die. Figuratively.

How the internet brought me my best friend

~ Christi ~ 1 Comment

I’ve been thinking of this one for a few weeks, but the time wasn’t right until now.

Several years ago, when I moved into my current house, in my current town, I decided that I needed to meet some people. I had one daughter, age one. She didn’t talk yet, and I needed some friends. So I went online and used Google to find a meetup group nearby.

I was so scared, taking my daughter to that first playdate. My heart was pounding as I walked over to the house, and I wondered if I was crazy. What kind of mom takes her little baby daughter to a playdate at someone’s house whom she doesn’t even know? Why was I doing this?

But some inner voice (not the crazy kind!) told me that it would all be okay. When I got to the house, I rang the bell and waited. A beautiful woman with glowing orange hair opened the door. Her smile was like the sun. I took one look at her and I knew we would be friends. My daugher and I went inside and we met her daughter, who also had very bright orange hair.

The funny thing is that the house where the playdate was was not hers. The owner of the house had to take her daughter to the doctor, but offered her home as a haven for the playdate. True story.

I’m still good friends with both of them, but the woman with orange hair? She’s my best friend. If you are her, I love you. You make me have trust in the world. Happy birthday.

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My mom and pain

~ Christi ~ 3 Comments

I’m writing this because it needs to be said right now, but I’m jumping around in my story.

My mom had rheumatoid arthritis all of her adult life. Rheumatoid arthritis is an autoimmune disease. You know, a disease in which your immune system turns on your body, fighting against it instead of for it?

Well, my mom lived with a lot of pain. All of her life. She had another daughter (that’s a story for another day). She went through a divorce. That divorce tore her apart and drove her crazy, and at about my age (35), she went through a period of soul searching. She went through a time where no one believed anything that she said. She even spent some time in a mental institution. All the while, living with her real physical pain.

The thing about my mom, the thing which was most striking about her, was her complete and utter lack of complaint about her pain. She never talked about it. The only thing that ever came out of my mom’s mouth was joy. Positivity. She just exuded that.

So, I wonder. where did all the pain go? When I am in pain, I need to let it out. That’s what’s happening here, on this blog. But my mom didn’t let her pain out. Except through her art. She was a fantastic artist, and I plan to get some of her art on here.

But even her art was positive. Never dark, never edgy. She never let more than one thing out of her. So, my theory is that her body was a vessel for her pain, and that’s why she hurt so much.

So much of my life has been lived in opposition to family members and friends who are different from me. I try to revise myself based on their bad examples. I want to be healthy. To even have the word crazy associated with me in any way is like stabbing myself in the eye with a pin. I cannot stand the pain, but I also know that I cannot hold the pain inside. It would be a self-fulfilling prophesy. So, instead, I am writing this blog. I’m going to put all of my pain here.

Then, readers and friends, I am going to need your help to edit myself. I need revision, constant revision. I want to be healthy.

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I went to church today

~ Christi ~ 1 Comment

I haven’t been to church, not except for my mom’s funeral memorial, for probably close to 20 years. But I felt drawn to church today and I was not wrong. I found a lot of answers there. And many more questions than I started with. I did not have communion but I did want to. The pastor offered me a blessing, but knowing that I’m Jewish he did not offer communion. I hesitated a moment before I decided that I’m on a hunger strike.

I made this art with my daughter and my awesome mother-in-law. It was restorative and generative at once.

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