A lovely scene for a grisly murder

cuyahoga

I once loved a boy from Cuyahoga. It ended badly, but that was very long ago.

Several years ago, Geoff and I went camping near Cleveland. We met his parents halfway between our homes. We visited Cuyahoga National Park, hiking with our two dogs. We were kidless at the time. We found the park amazing, and we hiked ten miles that day. We brought no food, but we stopped for ice cream along the way.

Near the end of the hike, I found myself getting tired, I found myself a little bit scared. Not knowing why, I looked around, and saw the sunlight slanting through the trees, the light glinting off of branches and leaves in that almost magical way that it does. I was captivated by it, and I was terrified at the same time. Why? I wondered. I’ll never know for sure. It was a sliver of doubt shooting through my certain heart. Would I make it out alive?

We did. We returned to our campsite and Geoff’s parents made us steak for dinner. The dogs slept for two days.

Looking back, I realize, that peaceful park would be a great place for a grisly murder. It would be a peaceful place to die. Figuratively.

A View into Hypomania

Hi Universe,

I know you are reading.  I know you have insight.  I know you want to be supportive.  I know you love Christi, and would do anything for her.  You’ve been lurking, watching, trying to understand where this is coming from, where it leads.

Now we need your feedback.  If you love Christi, if you want to to support her, tell her what you see.  Tell her the beauty of what she is writing.  Tell her she won’t lose that inspiration, that beauty, if she seeks help, but if she doesn’t seek it she’s certain to lose that inspiration in time.  Tell her you see what I see.

Tell her you’ll be there for her no matter what.  Tell her she needs help.

 

Causes

The exact cause of bipolar disorder is unknown, but several factors seem to be involved in causing and triggering bipolar episodes:

  • Biological differences. People with bipolar disorder appear to have physical changes in their brains. The significance of these changes is still uncertain but may eventually help pinpoint causes.
  • Neurotransmitters. An imbalance in naturally occurring brain chemicals called neurotransmitters seems to play a significant role in bipolar disorder and other mood disorders.
  • Hormones. Imbalanced hormones may be involved in causing or triggering bipolar disorder.
  • Inherited traits. Bipolar disorder is more common in people who have a blood relative (such as a sibling or parent) with the condition. Researchers are trying to find genes that may be involved in causing bipolar disorder.
  • Environment. Stress, abuse, significant loss or other traumatic experiences may play a role in bipolar disorder.

Bipolar disorder is characterized by up-and-down episodes of mania and depression. During a manic phase, some patients can have a total break from reality.

But hypomania, which is also a symptom of the disorder, is a high-energy state in which a person feels exuberant but hasn’t lost his or her grip on reality. 

“Hypomania can be a pretty enjoyable state, really,” Dr. Bearden says. A person’s mood can be elevated, they may have a lot of energy and creativity, and they may experience euphoria. This is the “up” side of bipolar disorder that some people with the condition actually enjoy—while it lasts.

When they are in a manic phase, people with bipolar disorder can have an inflated self-esteem.

“They feel grandiose and don’t consider consequences; everything sounds good to them,” Dr. Malone says.

Two of the most common types of behavior that can result from this are spending sprees and unusual sexual behavior. “I have had a number of patients who have had affairs who never would have done that if they weren’t in a manic episode…during this episode they exhibited behavior that is not consistent with what they would do normally,” he says.

During a manic phase, they may not sleep enough—but still never feel tired.

Even with just a few hours of sleep each night, they may feel great and have lots of energy.

Dr. Bearden says staying on a regular sleep schedule is one of the first things she recommends for bipolar patients.

Manic phase of bipolar disorder
Signs and symptoms of the manic or hypomanic phase of bipolar disorder can include:

  • Euphoria [This has been a roller coast of excitement]
  • Inflated self-esteem
  • Poor judgment
  • Rapid or pressured speech [Feeling the need to explain everything so others can understand you, not allowing others to interject]
  • Racing thoughts [Jumping between ideas, reading between the lines, connecting any dots]
  • Aggressive behavior
  • Agitation or irritation [Anger at the suggestion that you need to talk to someone]
  • Increased physical activity [Exercise]
  • Risky behavior [Facing all your fears, willingness to open our private lives]
  • Spending sprees or unwise financial choices
  • Increased drive to perform or achieve goals [To write, to paint, to draw, to create]
  • Increased sex drive 
  • Decreased need for sleep [<5 hours most nights]
  • Easily distracted [Not remembering something we discussed at lunch, not hearing my responses at times]
  • Careless or dangerous use of drugs or alcohol
  • Frequent absences from work or school
  • Delusions or a break from reality (psychosis) - Symptoms of psychosis may include false but strongly held beliefs [What is N’s motive?  N is Ken.  In reality often there aren’t lines to read between]
  • Poor performance at work or school

When to see a doctor
If you have any symptoms of depression or mania, see your doctor or mental health provider. Bipolar disorder doesn’t get better on its own. Getting treatment from a mental health provider with experience in bipolar disorder can help you get your symptoms under control.

Many people with bipolar disorder don’t get the treatment they need. Despite the mood extremes, people with bipolar disorder often don’t recognize how much their emotional instability disrupts their lives and the lives of their loved ones. And if you’re like some people with bipolar disorder, you may enjoy the feelings of euphoria and cycles of being more productive. However, this euphoria is always followed by an emotional crash that can leave you depressed, worn out — and perhaps in financial, legal or relationship trouble.

References:

http://www.health.com/health/gallery/0,,20436786,00.html

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/bipolar-disorder/DS00356

 

 

How the internet brought me my best friend

I’ve been thinking of this one for a few weeks, but the time wasn’t right until now.

Several years ago, when I moved into my current house, in my current town, I decided that I needed to meet some people. I had one daughter, age one. She didn’t talk yet, and I needed some friends. So I went online and used Google to find a meetup group nearby.

I was so scared, taking my daughter to that first playdate. My heart was pounding as I walked over to the house, and I wondered if I was crazy. What kind of mom takes her little baby daughter to a playdate at someone’s house whom she doesn’t even know? Why was I doing this?

But some inner voice (not the crazy kind!) told me that it would all be okay. When I got to the house, I rang the bell and waited. A beautiful woman with glowing orange hair opened the door. Her smile was like the sun. I took one look at her and I knew we would be friends. My daugher and I went inside and we met her daughter, who also had very bright orange hair.

The funny thing is that the house where the playdate was was not hers. The owner of the house had to take her daughter to the doctor, but offered her home as a haven for the playdate. True story.

I’m still good friends with both of them, but the woman with orange hair? She’s my best friend. If you are her, I love you. You make me have trust in the world. Happy birthday.

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Our trip to New York

Around New Year’s, I suddenly had an urge to visit New York City. Significantly, before my foray into sex blog land. I had been feeling depleted, and I needed an energy infusion. We debated going somewhere a little more child-friendly, but in the end, Geoff knew that I wanted it, and he let me have it.

We spent two days, walking everywhere, seeing and feeling the city. We ate empanadas, pizza, waffles, corned beef sandwiches. We did the Empire State Building, the Statue of Liberty, FAO Schwartz, Central Park. We definitely had to gear our trip towards the kids, and that’s too bad. But still, I got the energy that I craved. It was cold, it was gritty, and it was hot. Energy is just up for grabs in New York. I’d like to spend more time there in the future, exploring on my own or with Geoff.

Now, could I experience New York from afar? Might I read the New York Times online here in my home, far, far from New York City? Could I watch movies that were filmed there? Should I read novels that are set there? Perhaps. Maybe those things will tide me over, letting me get the energy vicariously for a bit. But really, what I need, what sustains me, is feeling a place in reality. Being somewhere opens my receptors in a way that mere representation cannot. I need to submerge myself in a place to really sense it. Also, the quality of the energy available is exponentially higher in reality. Don’t get me wrong. I love art. Movies are awesome. I think it’s obvious how I feel about reading. Yet nothing comes close to the real thing.

Mad Men, Season 6

We finally got around to watching the season opener of Mad Men last night.  I love that show.  We’ve been watching it since it started, and I always liked it, but I never knew why before last night.

Season 6 is going to be good. It speaks to me. I get it. The show is all about becoming yourself. Your self.

Funny, the idea of Hawaii stripping you down, making you new again. Letting you experience your self like never before. I had déjà vu while watching.

All Don wants is to experience himself, over and over again, as new. That’s why he needs the constant stream of new women. We are as others see us, and we are constants to ourselves, on the inside. Putting ourselves in a new place, or with a new person, lets us be both at once.

When Peggy reams the writers for not doing their job well enough, she’s calling them out for not being enough themselves. When you’re not enough yourself in life, when you don’t give life all you’ve got, when you try to please others before you please yourself, it shows. Not only does it show, it weakens your game. Peggy knows that sometimes we all need a little resistance in our lives to bring out our best selves.

Opening yourself, your mind, your body is very hard. I’ve done it three times, as an adult. Three labors, three beautiful babies. And three times where I felt like ANYTHING that could get in, did. I imagine that I experienced something similar at birth, although of course I don’t remember. (Did I ever mention that I was born two months premature? I was healthy, but only two pounds at birth. I hung out in the hospital for a while.) I also imagine that I will experience this again at death. It’s a feeling that comes at those junctures, those borderlands between life and death. It’s the feeling that accompanies change. Change hurts. Change is productive. Change can be wonderful, but it can also be really fucking scary.

In the episode, Meghan worries that her role as an actress will change how people feel about her, how they perceive her, especially when she has to push someone down a set of stairs. Actors probably experience the opening sensation whenever they are called on to take on a new role. Well, at least any actor worth his or her salt. I envy them. I tried to act in high school, and I am just not cut out for it. I’m too introverted. But I am drawn to that ability to constantly shift. My artistic tendencies take me there, as does my writing. Those are points where I can open. I think that sex also opens me. I imagine that some drugs do the same for other people.

The key, which I’m not sure even Don Draper understands, is keeping your filters in place. You cannot let EVERYTHING in at once, because you will go crazy. Literally. Opening makes you suggestible, it makes you obsessive, and it makes you addictive. It can be fun and productive. It can help you make connections in so many ways. It can also make you do things that you should not. It can draw you away from your life, your loved ones, and reality.

So, how does anyone court openness in a healthy way? You need an authority figure, an outside link, or more than one, who you trust implicitly, to draw you back, help you back into yourself, and make you whole again. Don knows that, as he climbs into bed next to Meghan. But even more important, you need to learn to listen to your fears. All of your emotions, actually. But fear is the gatekeeper, and it must be confronted head-on. You must talk with fear, calm her, question her, heed her sometimes, hold her hand and take her with you others, and yet others, leave her behind at the gate as you go forward.

 

 

 

In which I am murdered in a scummy hotel room

I had a chilling nightmare last night. I dreamed that I lured a serial killer to my door.

How could I have been so blind?

Usually, I trust the universe to bring me good things. In my experience, it hasn’t failed me often.

Universe, please bring me good things today. I love my life.

But if I have gone wrong, I hope that I get murdered in a scummy hotel room. It just feels apropos.