Once I hated a girl

~ Christi

I hated a girl once. I almost got eaten alive by my hate for her, until at long last we parted ways forever.

We worked together for two years. I was 23, just out of college. She, too, was 23, just starting out, like me. We first met at orientation on our shared first day. Looking back on it, we had more similarities than differences.

She was startlingly beautiful. She had the kind of looks that made you want to stop and stare at her. She had long silky black curls, large eyes, delicate features. She was small, but strong. She exercised religiously, ate nothing. Her body was incredibly sexy. She had tons of cute clothes. She was Jewish — the real kind, not my sorta kind. She was unattached, no husband, no boyfriend, no girlfriend. She lived in the city with roommates.

She talked, at length, on her phone in her cubicle across from mine. She talked about her exercise schedule, about her dates, about her trips to museums by herself. She flirted shamelessly with my boss.

Now, let me explain something. I flirted with my boss, too. He was just a little older, funny, and hot. But I did it guiltily. I was already engaged. Back then faithfulness was a primary concern of mine. Plus, this was my boss, not hers. She was just removed enough to be able to do as she liked. They bonded over workout tales.

Everything about her ate at my soul. She was the me I wanted to be in so many ways. And she was interesting to me. I wanted her as a friend, as a more-than friend. At the time I didn’t, couldn’t, know it. I only felt, I couldn’t think. My jealousy of her, my envy for what she had made me hate everything about her.

Did she hate me, too? I think so. I think we both exuded a vibe that repelled the other. Perhaps she was similarly attracted to me. Maybe she wanted what I had: a fiancée, a close working relationship with the hot boss, security. Who knows?

Have you ever truly hated someone? It feels like I imagine it would to fall into quicksand. It’s annihilating. Sooner or later, it comes down to an ultimatum: you or it. And if you don’t want to end up in a therapist’s chair, you’ve got to make the call. You.

Just when I’d finally realized that things had to change, she left the company for a better job. It was providential. Once she was out of my life, I felt instantly better. And honestly, I’ve never had a reaction like that to anyone since. If I did, I hope that I would recognize it and confront it. Hatred is a dark dead-end street in a bad neighborhood.

Published by Christi

14 thoughts on “Once I hated a girl”

  1. You’ve got me thinking. I’m not sure if I’ve hated someone like this, but I think it would be easy to forget if, like you, the other person exited my life and I could move on.

  3. I did hate someone intensely for many years. At one point, I was able to decide to let the hatred go. I am still uneasy around the person, but it helped. The person doesn’t have as much power over me anymore.

  4. I have disliked plenty of people, but I can only remember disliking someone this much once. A jerk I worked for. And I disliked him cause he was a sexist jerk with no spine. I felt much better not being around him.

  5. I once hated someone for how they treated me for years and it nearly ate me alive. In the end I chose forgiveness, not because they deserved it, but because I needed to let go and move on with my life. And it worked. I unhooked.

  6. I think sometimes when you have that instinctual hate – or love – or whatever, it must mean you’ve collided somewhere in some other life. or that’s at least what i like to think. 🙂

  7. I had a handful of girls that I felt this way about when I was younger… Often it was that popular girl who looked as if she had it all together.

  8. Hate/Love/Jealousy . . . they all get tangled together in our minds and souls. At least, with some perspective, you recognized the irrationality of that hatred, and that there were other things at play. Hopefully, that realization served you later in your life in other relationships.

  9. You’ve soooo got this. The person I used to feel like this about now? Used to be my best friend? Luckily, I figured out i had to fix something in myself and let it go. Not so easy, looking in that ugly mirror.

  10. I think I may have hated someone just like this one time, back in college. And you are so right. It eats you up unless you are finally able to let it go.

  11. Powerful post, Christie. I know jealousy and I hate how small and ugly I become when I’m mirred in it. You’re right about it eating you alive. I’m grateful every time I walk through it to the other side.

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